It seems to be an epidemic that so many ladies (and guys) seem to drink themselves under the table ...(sometimes quite literally). Admittedly, I had my share of torrid affairs with a liquor bottle. I suppose it's fortunate that I managed to learn my lessons early.
***(flashback sequence)****
I once became so drunk that I could not speak on the phone. I wasn't previously aware that there existed a level of drunk that rendered a person mute. I now know this to be a fact... at least...that is what I was told had happened. I did manage to find forgiveness from those I love for that night. It was high school. It was a school night, and my parents found a glimmer of sick pleasure in administering the worst punishment available for a 17 year old with a terrible hangover....They made me attend school anyway. I was still so intoxicated that morning that I ran face first into the door frame. By the time 5th period arrived, I was certain that my parents knew exactly what they were doing....and I was going to die at school, so as to not stain the living room rug...
***(end flashback)***
As I said, I kind of ran all the crazy out of my system early, leaving me with a conundrum that I believe too many of the twenty somethings ( and everyone else, if I'm being honest) face. Everyone parties....You want to go. Sometimes you need to go, But knowing how to drink without making an idiot of yourself is really where most people fall short. Therefore, I have compiled a list (YEAH!!!) of the best ways to party without parting with your dignity.
1. Play D and D. As much as I love RPGs, in this instance I'm referring to designated driver. Admittedly, this isn't always the best gig, but you have to have one, so maybe you can take turns or something. The plus side to being DD is, because you can't drink, the bartender may give you your non-alcoholic drinks for free (they respect the DDs), and watching your friends make idiots of themselves gives you excellent canon fodder....just make sure there's room for pics on your phone...
2. Hello, nurse! I'm talking about you, a drink, and taking it slow. (ahem!) The best way to slow down the drinking process is to... slow.... down.... the DRINKING.... process. Sip it. Sip it good....then set it down for a bit...then add more soda.... If everyone is getting crazy, they may not even notice that you haven't ordered another round for yourself...as long as your drink isn't empty....
3. The 30 minute rule. This will save both your pocket book and your liver....Wait thirty minutes between each drink...This allows your body to begin reacting to the alcohol before your next drink. It will help you to gauge where you stand between sober and calling Ralph on the big, white telephone....
4. Pants yourself. You heard me...Clothe yourself in something with a crotch and a bra. If you are determined to drink until you stumble, wear clothes that keep your dignity in your absence. If you can't touch your toes without showing everyone the tag on your thong, you can't get knee walking drunk without exposing your....assets...to everyone... (and between you and me...If you want to attract guys worth having, you don't actually want to be that drunk...ever...the clothes don't help you when you puke in his car.)
5. Know your limits. When the room starts dancing without you, start ordering water.... If you start thinking the song 'Blurred Lines' is about your drunk-vision....go home...alone....No good can come from the remainder of the evening.
The point, my friend, is that drinking can be fun, but it can also be a way to lose the respect people have for you....It's great to have a drink, but what's the point of a good time if you don't remember it?! Heed my wisdom, for I was once as you are now.... I'll tell you the stories sometime... Talk to you soon...
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