The Cruel Joke Our Mothers Played...or..as I like to call it...'The Defecation of Smug

WARNING: GROSS FACTOR

Yeah... You read that correctly. Defecation... I'm going to discuss something that...while gross... Is incredibly necessary for any females of the child bearing years. SSShhhhh..... There is a secret that our mothers kept from us... No one... Not even doctors.... tell you what labor will be like...or worse ...what happens afterward.  Like a cat about to be thrown onto the shower, they keep the secret so we don't claw and bite people....Call me a whistle blower, but I feel you should go into things prepared.... I'm about to sing like a canary.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS:

Maybe you've been having those cramps... Perhaps your water broke... It is possible that you see a big red piece of what looks like uterus floating in your bathtub, but you know that "It's time"...and you head for the hospital... When you get there, They give you an IV and then kick everyone out of the room, so they they can insert a needle resembling a subway sandwich into your spine..."Just relax", they said....
The pain has become irritating, but you can handle it..after 3 hours, it's uncomfortable.but you figure you're almost done...What's the big deal anyway?.. dilated to 3...3! It was 3 when I came in here! She then informs you that they will have to give you a drug that will make this move along...
Once they give that to you, the pain goes up...way up... I can only describe labor pains one way. Have you ever had to poop SO BAD that you get these sharp, lightning like stabs across your lower stomach... It's like that... every minute or two.... for the duration... After a few more hours, the nurse comes in...sticks her hand up your hoohah..and says, 'It's progressing'... knowing that this  must be nearing a close, you make the mistake of asking,"How much longer do you think we'll be?" "Well," she says, "You are at 5...so it will probably be at least another 3 hours..."  At this point, you are very annoyed... How much worse could it get?

So fast forward 6 hours to the time when the contraction seismograph keeps drawing the Himalayas, and you a certain you have kidney stones...You are thirsty, but they will only give you ice chips...at this point, you will try to reason with the nurse that ice chips are just melting into water, and that you promise you won't tell... it will not work. Good news on the horizon, though, the nurse comes in, takes a tour of va-China, and tells you that its time to push...

THIS IS WHEN IT GETS INTERESTING!
You are exhausted by the abdominal undulations already, and now you have to work. The doctors come in and a gaggle of people who will all visibly stare at your lady bush for the next hour or two. They tell you to push. If this is your first child, you'll do it wrong, at first, because doing it right means crapping on the bed...yep... to push is to poop out your child...You will question your own anatomy..." I thought these were different holes?!" They are, but they share the same muscles...sorry...and you will poop every push until you have nothing left... (We'll come back to the effects of this) If you had an epidural, people will need to hold up your legs...and if you aren't small, you will worry about how much your thighs weigh...the Richter scale of birthing now doesn't have any downtime, and when it crests the top, it flatlines because the contractions are completely off the radar. it's at this point you will try to throw up into a bedpan, but, other than bile, you won't get much because they wouldn't give you anything but ICE CHIPS! Finally, out comes a baby! YEAH! It is beautiful.... but you can't keep holding it...you aren't done! Wait....What?!
Oh, yes.... PUSH! they say... Again? No...I'm done.. nope. You have to pass the afterbirth... huh? you push... and you give birth to the bloodiest, most disgusting blob of ick imaginable...it's huge, and will likely splash a crimson wave all over the floor...

But the worst hasn't happened....
THIS is the secret! THIS is what no one tells you...
I would go through that a dozen times if I NEVER had to relive the post partum poo....
You truly emptied when you had your child...There was NOTHING left! A week goes by...You put food in, nothing comes out.... You feel it... It needs to happen... You are feeling labor pains again... what?! You go to the bathroom....nothing... They have you on stool softeners... oh well....See, you stretched out all of those muscles and now they don't work... eventually, though, it's gonna happen... You run to the bathroom. You sit. You stand. You hang on to the walls. Now you are in a full sweat. You stand. You pee down your legs..which are shaking uncontrollably. Where is your lamaze coach? You gag. You become concerned that crap can actually come out the wrong end. Then nature takes over, and you go. Painfully. Quickly. It burns. When you regain consciousness on the bathroom floor, you realize that this needed warning. Why did they let you out of the hospital? No one told you about this....THE WORST PART of childbirth..... Maybe you won't tell anyone either. I, for one, am planning on regaling this story to my daughter...as birth control.