I am a nerd. I am a Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who, Firefly, Sherlock, Psych, Hunger Games, Harry Potter, comic books, Divergent, Fault in Our Stars, Chuck, and Big Bang Theory fandom freakshow. My house is filled with more nerd bling than the lockers at Google. I love it! I don't care who knows it. As we speak, I am rocking the Batman emblem across my chest. That means, I know fandoms... I AM fandoms.
With that being said, The nerd flag flies over a banner that reads, "Like what you want!" "No judgement here!" It is a wonderful, beautiful ideology. It is also apparently a myth...because I have one more fandom...Twilight. I love twilight. I have read the stories at least 6 times. It is good and moral and sweet. It is SO much more eloquently written than 50 Shades of Grey...Yet people Jump at the opportunity to burn the entire series to the ground. Granted, the movies are not the best ever...they alter the characters a bit and add vampire scenes to appeal to the Fangoria crowd...To me it wasn't about vampires at all. It was a love story including vampires... and I loved it. Come on, people. WE are supposed to be the dreamers..the visionaries... the ones who dream big and live bigger... Can't we imagine a world where sparkly nice vampires exist?! I know I can...
So when you see me out and about, carrying my Edward lunchbox, remember that the world of awesome is big enough for everyone....Even a 30 something nerd girl with a crush on sparkly bloodsuckers...
Monday, June 30, 2014
So...I Married an Axe Murderer
My husband ALWAYS smells nice. He may not drown himself in cologne or axe body pray, but he wears it. ALL. THE. TIME. I find his lack of stench a bit unnerving. I, for one, am not one of those girls who glistens lightly when perspiring. I sweat like a stuck pig! I had to wear deodorant from a very young age...Angie without deodorant is not something you want to experience...however, if you need paint to peel....
The axe company gets so much business from my household, thanks to the addition of an entire array of body care products like body wash, shampoo, hair care, and deodorant. The enigma is,"How do they make that smell stick?" Did they study skunk spray? My shampoo is initially stronger smelling than axe, but after an hour, axe is still keeping my husband smelling like a man rose, and I smell like a car that's been rained in...
Also, thanks to companies like axe, My husband might just spend more on beauty products than I do. I'm not saying that this is bad, but it feels a bit unnatural. Should his shampoo cost more than mine? Maybe I should spend more? AH. There it is. The ugly truth. Axe was designed to make women feel bad.
Be advised that pleasant man smell is designed for this purpose. Do not be lured into its mesmerizing olfactory guise. Simply do what I do to cheat the system.... I use his stuff...
The axe company gets so much business from my household, thanks to the addition of an entire array of body care products like body wash, shampoo, hair care, and deodorant. The enigma is,"How do they make that smell stick?" Did they study skunk spray? My shampoo is initially stronger smelling than axe, but after an hour, axe is still keeping my husband smelling like a man rose, and I smell like a car that's been rained in...
Also, thanks to companies like axe, My husband might just spend more on beauty products than I do. I'm not saying that this is bad, but it feels a bit unnatural. Should his shampoo cost more than mine? Maybe I should spend more? AH. There it is. The ugly truth. Axe was designed to make women feel bad.
Be advised that pleasant man smell is designed for this purpose. Do not be lured into its mesmerizing olfactory guise. Simply do what I do to cheat the system.... I use his stuff...
Give Me 15 Minutes and an Herbal Laxative...
As I have gotten older, coffee has become a necessity. As a child or teen, it was fashionable... the "cool" thing to do, but now, without it, I am in dire straits on any given day for 3 reasons:
1. God invented coffee to buffer the effects of children. See..."Children have endless amounts of energy,"is what they say. That is a lie from the establishment to get you to bear children! The truth is that children are born with a spiritual siphon that sucks your life force, so your energy and patience levels go down, while theirs rises exponentially. I love my kids. God loves your kids, too. That's why he made coffee... caffeine slows the damage.
2. Drinking coffee in the morning gives a person a reasonable timer to wake up properly. Coffee can be ingested hot or cold, but lukewarm's not delicious. So there is a set time limit to how long you can spend drinking your coffee each morning... Also, if you play your cards right, it is possible to train your children to know What this limit is, as well...I have it down to a science. My son starts to approach me in the morning, but he stops...looks at the glass in my hand... and decides that I'm not quite finished drinking my coffee. He better wait... Some things aren't worth the fallout.
3. Coffee is the poo....(or at least it sends poo an invite). I am not one of those people who is blessed with incredibly regular bowels. My husband is. You can literally post a schedule by which he could live. My digestive tract missed the memo. I have been so stopped up in my life that passing out was a viable option. (I've had children...I'll tell you about it sometime.) Since I began drinking coffee, this has not been an issue. I have to ask myself, "Why does a stimulant cause my intestines to relax?" "Are my innards so excited that they inadvertently push things out the back door?" ( That happened to me once... Except it was out of the back of a Volkswagon.) All I know is, I can't poop without it. If I miss coffee for whatever reason...I get to hold it. That isn't fun. It won't be a good day.
I find myself fondly awaiting my morning cup o' joe. It is my time. The only part of the day that I control and can semi guarantee quiet, comfortable "me" time. It is a beautiful thing. Now...if you'll excuse me... I've had coffee.
1. God invented coffee to buffer the effects of children. See..."Children have endless amounts of energy,"is what they say. That is a lie from the establishment to get you to bear children! The truth is that children are born with a spiritual siphon that sucks your life force, so your energy and patience levels go down, while theirs rises exponentially. I love my kids. God loves your kids, too. That's why he made coffee... caffeine slows the damage.
2. Drinking coffee in the morning gives a person a reasonable timer to wake up properly. Coffee can be ingested hot or cold, but lukewarm's not delicious. So there is a set time limit to how long you can spend drinking your coffee each morning... Also, if you play your cards right, it is possible to train your children to know What this limit is, as well...I have it down to a science. My son starts to approach me in the morning, but he stops...looks at the glass in my hand... and decides that I'm not quite finished drinking my coffee. He better wait... Some things aren't worth the fallout.
3. Coffee is the poo....(or at least it sends poo an invite). I am not one of those people who is blessed with incredibly regular bowels. My husband is. You can literally post a schedule by which he could live. My digestive tract missed the memo. I have been so stopped up in my life that passing out was a viable option. (I've had children...I'll tell you about it sometime.) Since I began drinking coffee, this has not been an issue. I have to ask myself, "Why does a stimulant cause my intestines to relax?" "Are my innards so excited that they inadvertently push things out the back door?" ( That happened to me once... Except it was out of the back of a Volkswagon.) All I know is, I can't poop without it. If I miss coffee for whatever reason...I get to hold it. That isn't fun. It won't be a good day.
I find myself fondly awaiting my morning cup o' joe. It is my time. The only part of the day that I control and can semi guarantee quiet, comfortable "me" time. It is a beautiful thing. Now...if you'll excuse me... I've had coffee.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
An Ice Chest Full of Organics
I went shopping today. I can only vaguely remember a time when I enjoyed grocery shopping. With knowledge comes sorrow, they say. Once i began learning about GMOs and organic food vs. conventional food, I slowly began the psyche plummet toward hating the grocery store, convenience, and all the things I used to be thankful for. Don't get me wrong. I am still grateful that I don't have to go milk a cow every morning, but there are some things you just can't unlearn.
So... now I read every label...High Fructose Corn Syrup? aww, man... Partially hydrogenated oil? Dang it! Artificial flavors and colors??? Damn it, nabisco! I loved oreos! Now i need a therapist to go to the grocery store...
The cost is so expensive! Any of you that buy organic know, you now spend more money on produce than on rent. But you can't NOT do it. because if you ever try to eat ...anything bad...EVER ...AGAIN...you will end up peeking at the label...and then ...instead of eating the guilty pleasure, the guilt eats you...
So? You buy organic food. It is delicious. You learn to cook because you can't buy it already made. There is both a pride and a resentment in that. It's a lot like being picked first for the quiz bowl team...You are honored, even though you know you were picked because you are a nerd and have nothing better to do than to absorb random trivia...
The switch to organic becomes even more complicated with children. My kids now try to hoard candy like a squirrel hides nuts for winter. Then I catch them and receive a resounding, "Sorry, warden..."
The good news is that prices are going down, and availability is going up. Organics can now be found at almost every grocery store, and stores are introducing their own cheaper brand of organic cuisine. Praise God!...They even have oreos....
So... now I read every label...High Fructose Corn Syrup? aww, man... Partially hydrogenated oil? Dang it! Artificial flavors and colors??? Damn it, nabisco! I loved oreos! Now i need a therapist to go to the grocery store...
The cost is so expensive! Any of you that buy organic know, you now spend more money on produce than on rent. But you can't NOT do it. because if you ever try to eat ...anything bad...EVER ...AGAIN...you will end up peeking at the label...and then ...instead of eating the guilty pleasure, the guilt eats you...
So? You buy organic food. It is delicious. You learn to cook because you can't buy it already made. There is both a pride and a resentment in that. It's a lot like being picked first for the quiz bowl team...You are honored, even though you know you were picked because you are a nerd and have nothing better to do than to absorb random trivia...
The switch to organic becomes even more complicated with children. My kids now try to hoard candy like a squirrel hides nuts for winter. Then I catch them and receive a resounding, "Sorry, warden..."
The good news is that prices are going down, and availability is going up. Organics can now be found at almost every grocery store, and stores are introducing their own cheaper brand of organic cuisine. Praise God!...They even have oreos....
Larger Than Life
I'm not a small girl... Never have been...I came out of my mother with 3 chins. It is something that I've learned to live with and accept about myself. However, I am an incredibly honest person, and I won't pretend that I don't wish I was thin. In high school, I was the girl who was treated as gender-less. I lived the scene in Eurotrip where the guys tell their female friend that there were no cute girls in their school...She replies, "I am a girl at your school." ...and then they say," oh, you know... real girls." Even now, the ripple effects of that statement leave my self-esteem balanced precariously like the goldfish was in 'The Cat In the Hat.' Granted, now I am happily married... However, my husband is quite the catch. He is a vocalist. You can see him on his youtube channel mcphantom02. He recently sang for a large beauty pageant, and ...as always... the ladies swooned and swooped....For about 3.2 seconds, I considered wearing my tee that reads,"witches be trippin'..okay, maybe I pushed one."
Alas, My role in life, thus far, has been the larger than life female... I say 'larger than life' because I always believed that if my personality was bigger than my butt, people would stare at that instead. Doing this has taught me a few lessons about life that every person...not just girls...every person should know:
1. People do judge you by how you look.
While it's true they shouldn't, I have never met anyone who doesn't look at a person and make some sort of assessment. The better, more moral people of this world will not allow this first judgement to taint their permanent view of you, but the initial judgement is there. It's human nature. If you want people to treat you as an upstanding citizen, then you better dress the part.
2. Looks aren't everything.
Think about it. In Fifty years, we will all be old and wrinkly (or look like Joan Rivers...which could be worse, I think.) If you want to grow old with someone, then find someone whose personality doesn't grate on your nerves like sandpaper on your face. It has been my experience that, while they didn't necessarily want to date me, most people wanted to be around me and my big, bold personality. It should at least get you invited to the parties where you could meet someone who finds you endearing. (It can happen). Also, I found out later that more people wanted to date me than I ever realized. People care too much about what other people think...especially in high school.
3.Fake it until you make it.
Both laughter and smiling have curious side effects. Even if you fake them, they will soon become genuine. Try it. Walk into a room and smile at someone. It doesn't have to be real..soon you won't have to try. Laugh at a joke that's not really funny, others will laugh, too, and soon you are laughing for real. Most people don't realize that confidence is the same. People react to you. If you fake confidence, people don't know it is fake. They react positively to confidence, and soon, you will actually be more confident.
Life isn't often fair. Still, I have learned that growth comes from adversity. The best personalities come from those who were forced to develop them. I grew humor as a defense mechanism. People couldn't make fun of my fat if my joke was better than theirs, and insults came less frequently when people lived in fear of a witty retort. You can't choose the life you are dealt, only the way you play the cards. Make it a great game, my friend.
Alas, My role in life, thus far, has been the larger than life female... I say 'larger than life' because I always believed that if my personality was bigger than my butt, people would stare at that instead. Doing this has taught me a few lessons about life that every person...not just girls...every person should know:
1. People do judge you by how you look.
While it's true they shouldn't, I have never met anyone who doesn't look at a person and make some sort of assessment. The better, more moral people of this world will not allow this first judgement to taint their permanent view of you, but the initial judgement is there. It's human nature. If you want people to treat you as an upstanding citizen, then you better dress the part.
2. Looks aren't everything.
Think about it. In Fifty years, we will all be old and wrinkly (or look like Joan Rivers...which could be worse, I think.) If you want to grow old with someone, then find someone whose personality doesn't grate on your nerves like sandpaper on your face. It has been my experience that, while they didn't necessarily want to date me, most people wanted to be around me and my big, bold personality. It should at least get you invited to the parties where you could meet someone who finds you endearing. (It can happen). Also, I found out later that more people wanted to date me than I ever realized. People care too much about what other people think...especially in high school.
3.Fake it until you make it.
Both laughter and smiling have curious side effects. Even if you fake them, they will soon become genuine. Try it. Walk into a room and smile at someone. It doesn't have to be real..soon you won't have to try. Laugh at a joke that's not really funny, others will laugh, too, and soon you are laughing for real. Most people don't realize that confidence is the same. People react to you. If you fake confidence, people don't know it is fake. They react positively to confidence, and soon, you will actually be more confident.
Life isn't often fair. Still, I have learned that growth comes from adversity. The best personalities come from those who were forced to develop them. I grew humor as a defense mechanism. People couldn't make fun of my fat if my joke was better than theirs, and insults came less frequently when people lived in fear of a witty retort. You can't choose the life you are dealt, only the way you play the cards. Make it a great game, my friend.
View From the Asylum
If Sherlock Holmes has a 'mind- palace', I have a graffiti covered alleyway with layers of paint caking the bricks... It's not so bad, I guess... The colors are nice! I am an artist, a comedian, a college graduate, a singer, an actress, a wife, and a homeschooling mom... It seems, however, that the homeschooling mother role is the only one that sticks in people's minds.
There is an old adage about marriage that can be adapted to how people treat me when they learn that this is my primary life role. It goes, " Homeschooling seems like a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?" My answer is fairly simple... My children are worth it. I'm not going to pander you with lies of, "it's not hard..."or, "I never get tired of my children." Those people are either liars, or they have Martha Stewart's organizational skill set. WHAT?!? ..If i get both kids fed and dressed without someone stepping on a lego, its a winning day before we even start school.
There is a lot more to me than my children, though they are extremely important. That is why I am writing this blog. Many have shared their desire for me to impart my unique and twisted slant on everything from the daily grind to world affairs... If i can summon a chuckle or open someone's eyes to a new perspective, then this has been worth it... Perhaps I'll even make a friend, which is always nice...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)