Give Me 15 Minutes and an Herbal Laxative...

As I have gotten older, coffee has become a necessity. As a child or teen, it was fashionable... the "cool" thing to do, but now, without it, I am in dire straits on any given day for 3 reasons:

1. God invented coffee to buffer the effects of children. See..."Children have endless amounts of energy,"is what they  say. That is a lie from the establishment to get you to bear children! The truth is that children are born with a spiritual siphon that sucks your life force, so your energy and patience levels go down, while theirs rises exponentially. I love  my kids. God loves your kids, too. That's why he made coffee... caffeine slows the damage.

2. Drinking coffee in the morning gives a person a reasonable timer to wake up properly.  Coffee can be ingested hot or cold, but lukewarm's not delicious. So there is a set time limit to how long you can spend drinking your coffee each morning... Also, if you play your cards right, it is possible to train your children to know What this limit is, as well...I have it down to a science. My son starts to approach me in the morning, but he stops...looks at the glass in my hand... and decides that I'm not quite finished drinking my coffee. He better wait... Some things aren't worth the fallout.

3. Coffee is the poo....(or at least it sends poo an invite). I am not one of those people who is blessed with incredibly regular bowels. My husband is. You can literally post a schedule by which he could live. My digestive tract missed the memo. I have been so stopped up in my life that passing out was a viable option. (I've had children...I'll tell you about it sometime.)  Since I began drinking coffee, this has not been an issue. I have to ask myself, "Why does a stimulant cause my intestines to relax?" "Are my innards so excited that they inadvertently push things out the back door?" ( That happened to me once... Except it was out of the back of a Volkswagon.) All I know is, I can't poop without it. If I miss coffee for whatever reason...I get to hold it. That isn't fun. It won't be a good day.

I find myself fondly awaiting my morning cup o' joe. It is my time. The only part of the day that I control and can semi guarantee quiet, comfortable "me" time. It is a beautiful thing. Now...if you'll excuse me... I've had coffee.