You Sunk My Battleship!

You know those people whose self-esteem is like a battleship? They can be slammed repeatedly and the hull just brushes that shit off. I don’t relate. My self-esteem is like a submarine. It occasionally surfaces and peers above the surface, but inevitably, it will dive back down where it really belongs. 

From an outside perspective, I suppose I’m talented, funny, outgoing, and not completely unattractive (I have moderately decent mugshot despite being fat), but it doesn’t seem to help when it’s time to crest the water of confidence. Perhaps it is because I hold myself to such a high standard. I recognize greatness in others and would like to see that in myself. Maybe it was the series of bad experiences in my life that give me a somewhat jilted sense of self-worth. Regardless of how it came about, the fact remains that I simply don’t see myself as the amazing specimen I long to be. Instead, I’ve decided to bare my insecurity loud and proud and tell you why I think it’s okay to see yourself a little less than perfect.

1.    If you can see improvement, you strive for it. 

 I think that the people who see themselves as perfect aren’t. The reason is because no one is, and everyone needs to be able to improve upon themselves.

2.   Humbleness is a virtue. 

Being insecure keeps you from thinking you are too good for something or thinking you are better than others. Kindness often comes from believing that everyone’s life has equal value. Though, admittedly, sometimes I wish I was a little less humble. It would make it easier to find clothes to comfortably wear.

3.   You get less caught up in material ideas.

 "My significant other gained some weight; I’m better than them now." People with an over-inflated sense of ego tend to think of love as something that revolves around physical attraction and sex. 

I always tell people to ask yourself two questions before entering a serious relationship with another person. First, are they my best friend? If they get on your nerves now…just add time and close proximity! Second, ask yourself if sex was off the table (either from illness or accident) would that be a deal breaker? If it is, you are in the wrong relationship. Having a lower self-esteem keeps you empathetic.

4.   Finally, having an ego that doesn’t fly can allow you an opportunity.

 Most people aren’t as confident as they seem. (Most people are shocked to find out how low mine is…well….most have no idea) seeing yourself lower than others elevates others in your mind. To turn the curse into a cushion, you simply grow some ‘nads and tell people what you see. “You have a great smile!” “You are so very talented!” “I love that coat on you!” What you lack in confidence will come to you in friendship and smiles.

So, remember: It may not be easy to live without confidence, but the fake-it-til-you-make-it philosophy applies well here.

 Good luck today, and …for what it’s worth….I think you’re awesome! 

The nineties are back! My thighs would like to thank the academy....

JnCo jeans just announced that they are rereleasing the super wide leg jean!!! I think I just peed a little! Thanks to shows like Supernatural, (Take a moment to reflect)

 the 90s are hauling their alternative butts back into the fashion now! As someone who lived them already once around, I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you the trends we are likely to revisit in the next fews years, and why they are awesome!

1. The super flare leg jeans!

Kiss those skinny jeans goodbye! For those of you who lack the thigh gap, this is the best jean to wear. You can be both comfortable AND stylish. Also...and this is very important... It makes you look balanced. Unless you are a size two...but it's no longer your time, Twiggy!

Whether you rock the simple 23' super flare or the 40" rims.... I've been dreamin this day would come since...well...since it left.

2. Chunky shoes! I want these...

I can't walk in stilettos...I have tried valiantly, but I don't understand shoes that hurt after 5 minutes! 

Why would you do that? It's Edward Scissorfeet! Without feet, you don't have a leg to stand on! (hehe) I'm a tough broad. I don't need shoe weapons... The 1990s ushered out the stab you in your sleep shoes with a bold alternative. You want to be taller? make the whole sole taller! Platform mary janes and 2" airwalks rocked our feet.

I'm also crossing my fingers for birkenstocks because those hippie sandals feel like love.

3. Butterfly clips all in a row! 

The 90s captivated some funky cute hairstyles and made it okay to be cute! Admit it. You like the hair...

4. Panels of flannel....

Nothing is more comfy than something warm and fuzzy, and the 1990s were all about being comfortable. Layers upon layers with plaids everywhere....Scotsmen, eat your heart out! 

5. Funky awesome jewelry! 

Specifically, I dig the choker necklace... need something to go with your outfit? Just grab a ribbon! Works every time... 

BONUS: Dresses with jeans. I'm a denim kind of girl. I like jeans. I DON'T like my thighs rubbing together trying to start a fire... (I'm not saying I don't like fire down there, but you know....not like that.) The one exception to the fire rule is CORDUROY!

 hopefully that will make its debut before next winter. I'll be rocking those...Listen for me...(swoosh,swoosh, swoosh). I digress. The bohemian theme will be back in ALL it's mismatched glory! P. S. I'm making this...immediately.

Hit the thrift stores now... I might even wear dresses again.

For all you thirty somethings...You feelin' me?! I'm breathing deep. now let's bring back the music....Peace!

50 Shades of Double Standard

Mr. Grey will see you now.
For some, this line gets you all hot and bothered.

For others, this makes your gag reflex act up.

For me, it is an eye roll of irritation at the other two groups. Even more interesting is that so many of the people that continuously are ranting and posting about it have NEVER. READ. THE. BOOK! I send out a"How do you even know?" into the void. You are simply regurgitating hearsay. Well....I have read ALL the books. There is good and bad in them, to be sure, but TAKE IT FROM ME, it isn't all that everyone is trying to say. Here it is. Short and sweet. The REAL breakdown of 50 Shades of Grey.

1. It is PORNOGRAPHY!

 You think?! I doubt anyone at all was surprised. It is labeled as erotica. No one disputes this fact. However, as far as erotica goes, it is a bit lackluster. While I read all three books because E.L.James wrote some excellent psychology into her tale, I found myself bored in the throws of the books' sensual sections. "Pick a different adjective!" I said to myself as Anastasia does something "slowly" for the 500th time.

2. It is ABUSIVE! Is it? The same people who are screaming that women should control their own bodies, who say,"You can't tell me who I can and cannot sleep with!" are telling you that a woman, knowingly entering this arrangement, is wrong because the relationship doesn't conform to their standards.

She knows exactly what she signs up for, and has the option to leave at any time. SPOILER ALERT: By the second book, she is a sex monkey. It is two consenting adults. Period. Whatever their kinky little hearts desire is THEIR business. 

3. People that like the books are PERVERTS! Well, no...I don't think so.

I'd like to take a minute here to discuss the appeal of a  "Christian Grey"....In a society where women often immasculate men, men have become less swarthy and tough....(or not...and we don't want a hooligan)...Gone are the days of the Cary Grant, the Paul Newman, and the Sean Connery.  Deep down, many women still have a primal desire to be protected, cared for, and are naturally drawn to displays of testosterone. Now we conciously do not want someone to hurt us or control us, but psychologically speaking, we are wired to gravitate toward the "manly man." The appeal of Christian Grey is that outwardly he is caring and protective, and behind bedroom doors he becomes a primal projection of attentiveness and masculinity.


Speaking from personal experience, these books were diamonds in the slutty, dirty, sexually devious rough. Buried within a lot of poorly written foreplay was a tale of a psychologically broken boy who adopts some seriously interesting coping mechanisms. Though he thinks he finds his next chew toy in Anastasia, he actually finds someone with the special gift of setting him free from his sordid past. It is that classic motif of good girl saves the bad boy...and what teenage girl in us never dreamed about that?!

In conclusion, will I see this movie? For fear of Pee Wee Herman's of the world, I'll probably wait until it comes out on video. Do I wish it was sans the dirty laundry? I wish the movie would downplay it. There really is a great story underneath. Should people be having moral meltdowns about this story in particular? NO! ...and here's why. I have seen SO MANY movies in the last 5 years that made me blush uncontrollably. (Can anyone say 'Knocked up'?) (ANY horror movie?) If you are uncomfortable watching people have sex, do not see this film. I understand. IMHO, at least they are in a monogamous relationship. As opposed to Eyes Wide Shut which featured Tom Cruise and his wife having an orgy.

So there it is. ...Now for the spoilers:
The books progress as follows...the sex gets worse, he gets better. They get married and have babies, and she (who was always timid and shy) ends up using his "rather particular tastes" as encouragement to find her voice in (and out) of the bedroom. It's a happy story! While I actually don't condone pornography as an addition to the bedroom (inferiority complexes all around...can we say giant snakes and nazi boobs?!) I do understand the appeal of these books. I found them interesting. especially when real life sometimes reads a little differently:

  To all those on both sides of ANY argument. Try studying up on what you are arguing BEFORE going into battle. Too many wars are fought from a lack of understanding. PEACE!

Strange food, Bad science, a Robin Hood government, and people who never bothered to read a f@$king history book!

How can an entire generation of people read books like the Hunger Games and The Giver and not question what is happening around them?! What is the world coming to?! We are in an age where people will argue science with ideology and logic with feelings. When it comes to religion, there is as much evidence OF a higher power as there is against one, therefore I'm leaving religion off the table for this conversation. People, in general, have become so brainwashed in such a short amount of time that they remind me of the plastic bag in American Beauty, swept up in a constant whirlwind without shape or direction. The opinions of others mean nothing to people. The rights to have those opinions seem to mean even less...

If you are fortunate enough to know someone who is 100 years old and cognitive, ask them what they think of America's current state of affairs. I bet they aren't happy. When reading the news, I can't help to ponder whether it's possible to fix this country and bring it to its former glory...or whether I should prepare to run from the inevitable future setting of neo- fascist USA, Comrade.

So here it is. History has been forgotten.  I don't blame the schools, I blame everybody.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. --George Santayana

Or...for those that don't read the classics:

"Those unable to catalog the past are doomed to repeat it."-- Lemony Snickett

A definitive list of things happening right now that you need to wake up about. (Just because Justin Timberlake says it, doesn't make it so):

1. Frankenfood...it's on your plate! 

Genetically modified foods are basically plants that they injected with DNA from something else ( one tomato had fish DNA) that causes the plants immune system to freak out and produce a ton of insecticide.... Which you eat. Also, it's killing the bees. Bees pollinate 90% of the world's crops, so this is a big problem. The plants have not been sufficiently tested for safety. In fact, many tests administered by independent scientists ( that means they aren't being paid by the people who need to see this happen) have shown that, not only are are GMO's not equivalent to organic food, but they found it to be really harmful. There have been no long term studies, and the government doesn't seem to care. However, it is important to note that the White House only serves organic food. 

In addition to GMOs, we have highly processed foods which effectively neutralizes any nutritional value it may have had. It is also laden with hidden GMOs, harsh chemicals, and cancer causing preservatives... Still, no one seems to care. 

2. Vaccines: Science ...paid for by the people who sell the shots to you. 

It seems crazy to me that....regardless of which side of the debate you fall on....people are okay with stepping on the liberties of others. In the last month, stories of mandatory vaccines are everywhere. I even read an article that said, (I'm paraphrasing)"If you can't beat them with science, just try shaming them!" Apparently bullying is okay as long as it's backed by the CDC. The science behind the efficacy of vaccines is totally mixed. However, if you follow the money, you would find that most independant scientists found some serious correlations. I know, I know.... correlation doesn't necessarily equal causation...except when it does... and there is a TON of correlation to go on. In fact, what you may not realize is that, right now, there is an investigation of the CDC because a whistleblower came forward with PROOF that the CDC falsified the results of the MAIN study that supposedly debunked the autism-vaccine correlation. I'm not telling you WHAT to believe. I am simply telling you to actually SEARCH for truth before you start blaming anti-vaxers for being cautious. One more note here: I have read on several threads the outrage of unvaccinated children being in public school. They all seem to scream," You need to homeschool!" "You are endangering our children!" My response to this is two fold: 1. If vaccines prevent the diseases they claim to, then an unvaccinated child poses no threat to your kid. 2. Public school is public to EVERYONE. If you don't like it, feel free to homeschool your vaccinated child. 

3. Common core and the public sheeple factory. 

I keep hearing the same droll argument," Common core is simply a set of standards...not a curriculum." This is true and false simultaneously. While it is true that common core is a set of standards, we are a system that teaches TO THE TESTS. The tests are made by a specific company, and that company designs educational software that your children will use to take the PARCC tests. Because the schools recieve incentive based on how well your children score on testing, they will teach whatever the Pearson ompany wants them to teach. Now, to be fair, most teachers have no control over this and are doing their level best for your children. Still, teachers are getting harder and harder to come by because the ability to teach in that environment is almost impossible.

Common core standards in math...are especially troubling. While the fundamentals of CC math could actually be helpful to some remedial students, the schools no longer teach the carrying method of addition or borrowing of subtraction. As an informed person, I often field phone calls walking parents through their childrens' 4th grade homework. Multiplication tables are no longer memorized, and proper writing skills (such as cursive) are often no longer enforced. (side note: Nearly all historic documents are written in cursive.) English literature no longer focuses on the ability of the child to glean real insight into the author's intentions and instead focuses on the students' feelings. Life does not care about the child's feelings about anything, and by focusing on the child's emotions, we are limiting his or her ability to fully comprehend the meaning of a piece and teaching kids that feelings are more valid than fact. We aren't doing them any favors by teaching them to NOT be objective. It may be harsh, but there it is.

I was recently upset by a local school becoming charter. In their charter, they are basically setting each child with a specialized itenerary from kindergarten on, training them vocationally. I'm sorry, what?! I didn't know what I wanted to be in Kindergarten! This is The Giver  IRL! Children weren't meant to sit still for 8 hours a day (At least) with a tiny break and forced to eat literally substandard food. (FYI: schools are considered a second tier system along with prisons...if food doesn't pass a "grade a" FDA inspection, your kids get to eat it.) Children learn differently. Children behave differently. Did you know that your school GET'S PAID to diagnose YOUR child with ADD/ADHD? It's true....look it up.

4. Gun Control....A.K.A. people control.

When the media asked Japan why they attacked Pearl Harbor in World War II, Japan said," We couldn't not win an attack on the mainland USA because every man, woman, and child owned a gun." (once again, I'm paraphrasing the quote) People are constantly screaming to get  automatic weapons out of the hands of citizens. You don't ACTUALLY care whether they are in the hands of law abiding citizens, you care if they are in the hands of criminals. Outlawing drugs did not slow down the drug trade in America; It gave power to the drug trade by no longer regulating drug flow sensibly. It forced people who wanted/ needed drugs to seek help from criminals, and subjected them to the mercy (or lack of) of the drug lords. Similarly, Chicago is an excellent example of a trial for banning weapons. Chicago now has the highest crime rate in America! Criminals won't give up their guns when asked. You are only limiting the people's right to defend themselves. It is true that no one is likely to be hunting deer with an automatic rifle (there wouldn't be much of the deer left), but since 911, we have proven many times over that an attack on this country is a real possibility. This generation remade RED DAWN. Watch it. It could happen. Something to ponder: Adolf Hitler said,

" This year will go down in history. For the first time a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!" 

That was in 1935. Three years later, he used the lack of ability to defend oneself aganst the people, and began his tirade that killed 14+ million. 



5. Robin Hood...or the Sherriff of Rottingham. 

Let's play a game. Walk into a mcdonald's where a stranger works almost every day. Every day for a month, you walk in, hand them a dollar, tell them to keep it, and walk out. That's it. Every day for thirty days. On the 31st day, walk in and don't give them a dollar. It is possible that you found an exceptionally kind and appreciative person, but more than likely, you will be met with irritation. Anger. Disappointment. 30 days is long enough to become dependant on that handout. It was a gift, right? You can stop giving a gift when you don't want to give anymore, right? Wrong. At least society has come to believe that. Welfare was created to counter the Great Depression and help people get on their feet. It was never meant to be a permanent solution. Many people in America live on welfare their entire lives. Occasionally someone needs to stay on it, but many more simply find that ...if they work.... they will lose their benefits and have less than they did on the government's check. This is a seriously flawed system.

Rather than giving it its own section, I'd like to include here the fact that we now give those benefits to people who live here illegally. It is a slap in the face to taxpayers...especially legal immigrants, who followed the proper channels to come to our nation. I know people who are immigrants who say that they will never become citizens. Why? They get all the benefits of living here without paying taxes, and if they can bring their kids here, we'll give them free college, too! Even though, citizens must pay their own way. I have a radical idea! Let's give citizens free university, and anyone not a legal citizen can pay to go. My student loans and I are a bit bitter.

When the government takes and redistributes wealth to the poor, the desire to work hard dwindles to nothing. We are in such a twisted society that we teach our children that competition is wrong, when life is a competition, mostly against yourself....a lot like golf. There is a story of a college professor who ran a social experiment on his class.

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan”. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A…. (substituting grades for dollars – something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Now some sources say this story is fraudulent. Does it matter? The principle it displays it true: Socialism doesn't work. Stop trying to punish those who succeed and try harder for yourself. If you NEED to go after someone, go after the IRS for not taking taxes from many fortune 500 companies. That's injustice.... A flat tax is the only fair tax....I vote for 10% across the board. Separate but equal is not equal might just apply to taxes, as well. 

Don't believe we have a socialist society? You know it's bad when the leader of Russia has this to say:

So, it's time to wake up, America! We are in it deeper than the Marianna trench. This won't be an easy fix, and it won't change at all without your help...Like this blog. Post some comments. Share it far and wide with everyone you know. Knowledge is power! (Maybe that's why it's disappearing...) At some point in your life, you have to take a stand. Now is the time. Let's do this. Peace. 

Apply Rotten Tomatoes Directly to the Mirror...

We all know those people who truly believe they are greatness wrapped in skin. Some of those people we brush off because they have no real discernable talent. Others, however, have that "something special", and those seem to crawl up inside of our minds and give us an inferiority complex. Being someone who is a jack of all trades-- master of none, I often find myself --not exactly jealous--but feeling very small (or large, as it were), very untalented, very average, and unspecial. I have absolutely no idea how it feels to be on top of the world, because I am my own worst and harshest critic. Does anyone else suffer from this? This is a daily struggle for me....especially lately, I have been really wrestling with this concept. I haven't been this tied up in knots since I was a teenager. I'm not exactly sure how this current downspiral started.  One friend recently pointed out that I will be officially middle-aged this year (I'll turn 35). His poignancy should have been harmless except that I have been staring down the barrel of success with no sights and a large margin for failure. From the time I was very young, the "what" that I would someday become was always less important than how much of an impact I would make on the world. Ordinary was always the scariest word in my vocabulary...Whether it was turning in my science journal as a poem ( I did this in 8th grade...a year of poems...one per day) or rapping my campaign speech (yep), I was determined to do whatever it took to stand out from the crowd. The word ordinary hurt more than failing...Being ordinary meant I had, in fact,  failed. I recognize now that as a highly sensitive person, I take things that others brush off very personally. People often misread my tears as anger at them, when it is almost always at myself. Insecurity runs deep in my veins, I suppose. From years of rejection by boys to constantly getting second place in talent shows, It drove me deep into teenage depression. My thoughts weren't what others may have expected, though. I would look into the mirror crying and say,"Why don't they like me? I'm not that ugly." It, truthfully, haunts me that I'm 2 sizes bigger now than I was then. I have made peace for the most part with the fact that I'm not a skinny person. My husband loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. Although, my insecurity often leaves me wondering whether I actually am or if my poor, sweet, charming husband is dilusional.  Being heavy has given me a cracked view of life, and it made me mildly funny, sarcastic, and has given me the ability to fake resilience most of the time. As a homeschool mom, I cannot go work outside the home. Since I was always one to have my own money and do what I wanted, (earning my keep, you know) I tend to feel guilty about spending money that isn't mine. I make a variety of artwork on "The Art of Things" on Facebook, but that only rarely produces income. I do improv comedy with my improv group Cult Fiction. It is the one outlet that is all my own. (To be honest, though, it is sometimes a real source of self criticism.) Also, I didn't finish my degree. (I have two associate's degrees....which equates to very expensive toilet paper) If something were to happen to my husband, I'd be working the same retail grind that I was doing in high school. That sobering thought keeps me up at night.
 Fast forward to today. With a constantly full plate of doing things for people other than myself, I asked the all encompassing question: Is there a way to deal with this problem without sacrificing any particular aspect of my current life...including sleep?

 I am still struggling through this myself,  but I have made some resolutions to help me get beyond my own insecurities....I will share them with you here.

While I feel that there are too many people that need to get OVER themselves in this world, some of us need to get out from UNDER the weight of our own self criticism.... If you suffer from a similar malady to my own, try these things with me:

1. Give yourself AT LEAST one compliment that you truly mean each day... I can tell myself that I look amazing in a bikini, but I'd be lying to myself. It doesn't matter if it s small. 'I'm having a cute face day' is an acceptable start.

2. AND give one to someone else...We no longer live in a world where people often walk up and say,"You are incredibly attractive!" That is a shame, too. Maybe you will brighten someone's day by paying them a small compliment. What does it cost you, really? It's the least expensive tab you'll ever pay, and it could literally change someone's life. Also, at least for myself, looking for good things in other people helps to remind me that others may think those things about me.

3. Be happy about your accomplishments. "Haters gonna hate," they say. Try to brush that off as best you can by allowing you to have an opinion that matters.I am incredibly guilty of not believing my own opinion is valid. It could be because so many people, over time, have told me it isn't. For me, this is so crippling that I have to ask my husband's opinion on everything from the jokes that I write to which shirt I should wear. It drives him crazy! When you do something good...even if it isn't "the greastest thing ever!!!"...remember that it IS still good. It may not be perfect, but it isn't too bad...like this painting I made yesterday...

4. Be okay with not being the very best. As a vocalist, I have seen SO many DIVAS! I met one just the other day who is still in high school. As she looked down her nose at me, I couldn't help but hope that she fell off the stage during her song. Well...She didn't fall off he stage, but her voice did crack. Instead of making me feel better, I felt the familiar pang of insecurity that goes along with messing up in front of a crowd of peers. I felt bad for her. It takes a certain level of maturity to realize that "THE BEST" doesn't exist, and, once you reach a certain level of success, everyone is different. Everyone is unique and talented and, regardless of what it is, congratulate yourself if you make that team. I have spent too many years questioning whether I belong. 

5. Repeat after me: There is no such thing as perfect. No one is perfect. Don't strive for perfection, push for improvement. If you set perfection as a goal, you will never get there. Perfection is subjective. Allow yourself to succeed by simply setting the goal of improvement. 

6. I know you've read it before, but heed this advice: Do one thing every day that scares you.  Life is short. Opportunities are fleeting. Whether it is reading 50 Shades of Grey in public, or doing what I'm planning to do, which is open-mic stand up comedy (hopefully within two weeks), don't forget to live, live, live! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death. -- Auntie Mame!

I hope that this helps anyone else out there that suffers from acute self criticism. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them in comments. Peace.