We all know those people who truly believe they are greatness wrapped in skin. Some of those people we brush off because they have no real discernable talent. Others, however, have that "something special", and those seem to crawl up inside of our minds and give us an inferiority complex. Being someone who is a jack of all trades-- master of none, I often find myself --not exactly jealous--but feeling very small (or large, as it were), very untalented, very average, and unspecial. I have absolutely no idea how it feels to be on top of the world, because I am my own worst and harshest critic. Does anyone else suffer from this? This is a daily struggle for me....especially lately, I have been really wrestling with this concept. I haven't been this tied up in knots since I was a teenager. I'm not exactly sure how this current downspiral started. One friend recently pointed out that I will be officially middle-aged this year (I'll turn 35). His poignancy should have been harmless except that I have been staring down the barrel of success with no sights and a large margin for failure. From the time I was very young, the "what" that I would someday become was always less important than how much of an impact I would make on the world. Ordinary was always the scariest word in my vocabulary...Whether it was turning in my science journal as a poem ( I did this in 8th grade...a year of poems...one per day) or rapping my campaign speech (yep), I was determined to do whatever it took to stand out from the crowd. The word ordinary hurt more than failing...Being ordinary meant I had, in fact, failed. I recognize now that as a highly sensitive person, I take things that others brush off very personally. People often misread my tears as anger at them, when it is almost always at myself. Insecurity runs deep in my veins, I suppose. From years of rejection by boys to constantly getting second place in talent shows, It drove me deep into teenage depression. My thoughts weren't what others may have expected, though. I would look into the mirror crying and say,"Why don't they like me? I'm not that ugly." It, truthfully, haunts me that I'm 2 sizes bigger now than I was then. I have made peace for the most part with the fact that I'm not a skinny person. My husband loves me and thinks I'm beautiful. Although, my insecurity often leaves me wondering whether I actually am or if my poor, sweet, charming husband is dilusional. Being heavy has given me a cracked view of life, and it made me mildly funny, sarcastic, and has given me the ability to fake resilience most of the time. As a homeschool mom, I cannot go work outside the home. Since I was always one to have my own money and do what I wanted, (earning my keep, you know) I tend to feel guilty about spending money that isn't mine. I make a variety of artwork on "The Art of Things" on Facebook, but that only rarely produces income. I do improv comedy with my improv group Cult Fiction. It is the one outlet that is all my own. (To be honest, though, it is sometimes a real source of self criticism.) Also, I didn't finish my degree. (I have two associate's degrees....which equates to very expensive toilet paper) If something were to happen to my husband, I'd be working the same retail grind that I was doing in high school. That sobering thought keeps me up at night.
Fast forward to today. With a constantly full plate of doing things for people other than myself, I asked the all encompassing question: Is there a way to deal with this problem without sacrificing any particular aspect of my current life...including sleep?
I am still struggling through this myself, but I have made some resolutions to help me get beyond my own insecurities....I will share them with you here.
While I feel that there are too many people that need to get OVER themselves in this world, some of us need to get out from UNDER the weight of our own self criticism.... If you suffer from a similar malady to my own, try these things with me:
1. Give yourself AT LEAST one compliment that you truly mean each day... I can tell myself that I look amazing in a bikini, but I'd be lying to myself. It doesn't matter if it s small. 'I'm having a cute face day' is an acceptable start.
2. AND give one to someone else...We no longer live in a world where people often walk up and say,"You are incredibly attractive!" That is a shame, too. Maybe you will brighten someone's day by paying them a small compliment. What does it cost you, really? It's the least expensive tab you'll ever pay, and it could literally change someone's life. Also, at least for myself, looking for good things in other people helps to remind me that others may think those things about me.
3. Be happy about your accomplishments. "Haters gonna hate," they say. Try to brush that off as best you can by allowing you to have an opinion that matters.I am incredibly guilty of not believing my own opinion is valid. It could be because so many people, over time, have told me it isn't. For me, this is so crippling that I have to ask my husband's opinion on everything from the jokes that I write to which shirt I should wear. It drives him crazy! When you do something good...even if it isn't "the greastest thing ever!!!"...remember that it IS still good. It may not be perfect, but it isn't too bad...like this painting I made yesterday...
4. Be okay with not being the very best. As a vocalist, I have seen SO many DIVAS! I met one just the other day who is still in high school. As she looked down her nose at me, I couldn't help but hope that she fell off the stage during her song. Well...She didn't fall off he stage, but her voice did crack. Instead of making me feel better, I felt the familiar pang of insecurity that goes along with messing up in front of a crowd of peers. I felt bad for her. It takes a certain level of maturity to realize that "THE BEST" doesn't exist, and, once you reach a certain level of success, everyone is different. Everyone is unique and talented and, regardless of what it is, congratulate yourself if you make that team. I have spent too many years questioning whether I belong.
5. Repeat after me: There is no such thing as perfect. No one is perfect. Don't strive for perfection, push for improvement. If you set perfection as a goal, you will never get there. Perfection is subjective. Allow yourself to succeed by simply setting the goal of improvement.
6. I know you've read it before, but heed this advice: Do one thing every day that scares you. Life is short. Opportunities are fleeting. Whether it is reading 50 Shades of Grey in public, or doing what I'm planning to do, which is open-mic stand up comedy (hopefully within two weeks), don't forget to live, live, live! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death. -- Auntie Mame!
I hope that this helps anyone else out there that suffers from acute self criticism. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them in comments. Peace.
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