The Sounding Off of an Unsound Mind: The Biggest Logic Trainwreck in History...and How ...

The Sounding Off of an Unsound Mind: The Biggest Logic Trainwreck in History...and How ...: I was one of those "smart" kids... The ones who were called out of class once a day or week to be groomed by an advanced teacher. ...

The Biggest Logic Trainwreck in History...and How You Are in the Aftermath

I was one of those "smart" kids... The ones who were called out of class once a day or week to be groomed by an advanced teacher. The class was usually called "Gifted and Talented" or "Academic Creative Education." The class mostly focused on teaching logic and forward thinking...which I now see is probably more necessary a skill than diagramming sentences. Therefore, I found myself contemplating why they would choose these "special" kids.. (and FYI...Many kids in the class weren't that special...and many who WEREN'T in the class were incredibly bright...)..to endow with skills that should rightly be given to everyone. It doesn't take a 140 IQ to grasp logic, and now we are reaping the repercussions of generations NOT being taught to think critically.

 As a historian, you have trouble writing objectively about the present because you are too close to what's happening around you. It is only in hindsight...when the data is laid out...that one can look at the evidence and easily and accurately determine what happened. With that in mind, I'd like to expose the biggest disaster in logical thinking in modern history, understanding that I'm not blaming you for ignorance to this point, but asking you to follow me as I walk you through some irrefutable evidence. Prepare to be mortified, angry, and...then hopefully...determined.

Recently, here in Arkansas, a House Bill was introduced that would eliminate both religious AND philosophical exemptions to vaccination... following in the footsteps of California (who are on the verge of forfeiting ALL parental rights). The Representative who put forth this bill began receiving phone calls and emails...testimonies, if you will...from parents who cannot or will not vaccinate their children. After several days, this was her response:

I'd like to direct your attention to the line,"There appear to be valid arguments on both sides of the issue."

It is only the pro-vaccine community that dismiss other viewpoints.

Those on the side of vaccine skepticism have ALWAYS validated the concerns on both sides. Understand that we ALL only want what is best for our children. IF we DIDN'T have valid concerns, why would we risk our children's well being?! It DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

 After only a few days of listening, our representative began to understand.

 What ARE those valid arguments? Why do the pediatricians REFUSE to discuss the independent science surrounding vaccines? ...Perhaps it is because logic ends where coverup begins...

What if I told you that vaccines didn't stop polio, measles, and other diseases from spreading?!

DON'T STOP READING!!! 

Listen to my logic...

What about the diseases that went away without vaccines?! Those time periods coincide not with a vaccine, but with clean water, indoor plumbing, and better hygiene. Let's take a look at rates of illnesses and when the vaccines were introduced:

 Even more disturbing is the idea that...polio never actually went away...In 1955, doctors redefined the parameters for diagnosing polio, so that it would appear as though polio had been eradicated by the vaccine.

2014 saw over 53,000 "polio-like illnesses" due to vaccination in India. In case you aren't convinced the pharmaceutical industry is experimenting on children:

HEAR THIS WELL: 

I am not against the idea of vaccination! 

However, I am unwilling to ignore facts that make simple logical sense. 

Most of the world ..unfortunately... is currently at risk of being part of the collateral damage from the logical trainwreck.

Logical Trainwreck: Vaccines are perfectly safe and everyone should get them without question and on time.

Why this is wrongy wrongerson in 5 logical reasons:

1. People are NOT one size fits all. Some people are allergic to eggs, some to artificial color, some to penicillin. ALL of those things are in the inocculations your baby gets when they get vaccinated. Clearly, some people shouldn't get them on those grounds. We don't feed babies peanut butter for fear of an allergic reaction...but we inject them with this stuff?!

2. Many people have autoimmune disorders. We may or may not know which babies have them. Regardless, a baby's immune system is not fully developed. To vaccinate a baby is to inject live viruses and illnesses directly into their bloodstream. 

3. We REMOVED formaldehyde from biology classrooms everywhere when we realized it was a carcinogen (a cancer causer). Yet, we inject this substance...the one we couldn't touch or breathe in high school....into a newborn. 

4. Virtually ANY amount of mercury is considered toxic by the CDC. The legal "safe" amount of mercury is 2ppb (parts per billion) in water, according to the EPA. Can you believe how much is injected directly into your bloodstream when you get a flu shot?! Try 51,000 ppb

Also, before someone says," It isn't the same type of mercury...You are correct. Methyl mercury is what is found in fish. Ethyl mercury is what is found in a flu shot... This is what the pharmaceutical companies say:

BUT

Here is what independent experts say:

There is a definitive conflict of interest here. It's not easy to figure out who is right....but let's look at the evidence:

Still not convinced?! The science isn't settled...at all. (Despite what the CDC says)

Here are some links to quality studies showing the dangers of vaccines:

http://yournewswire.com/30-solid-scientific-studies-that-prove-vaccines-cause-autism/

...and not all doctors believe that there isn't a link... Dr. Bob Sears and Dr. Rachael from the hit show The Doctors  both advocate slowing down or avoiding vaccines completely.  Here is a list of other doctors who question vaccines.

"There is a great deal of evidence to prove that immunization of children does more harm than good." "The manufacturers of these vaccines know they are worthless but they go on selling them anyway." - Dr J Anthony Morris, PhD (Former Chief Vaccine Control Officer and Research Virologist, US FDA)

"There are unanswered questions about vaccine safety... No one should be threatened by the pursuit of this knowledge." "I think public health officials have been too quick to dismiss the hypothesis as irrational without sufficient studies of causation." - Dr Bernadine Healy, MD (Former Director, National Institute of Health and Former President, American Red Cross)

"Crib death was so infrequent in the pre-vaccination era that it was not even mentioned in the statistics, but it started to climb in the 1950s with the spread of mass vaccination." - Dr Harris L Coulter, PhD

"Vaccination is the single most prevalent and most preventable cause of infant deaths."- Dr Viera Scheibner, PhD

"The only safe vaccine is one that is never used." Dr James A Shannon, MD (Former Director, National Institutes of Health)

"We are setting up the younger generation for a potential calamity. Vaccines build up only one line of your immune system (the antibody system) but put the main immune system (cellular immunity) to sleep. You need both for fully developed immunity." - Dr Robert Rowen, MD

5. When they removed SOME (not all) of the mercury in SOME vaccines, they replaced it with aluminum. Now, if you look at the CDC website, you find out that very little is known about aluminum exposure...and it has never been properly studied as a substance to be injected into the bloodstream.  (In fact, vaccines don't even undergo the same amount of study as other pharmaceutical drugs)(There has NEVER been a double blind placebo study with a vaccine)... The government did a study on aluminum mixed with mercury, though... Spoiler: Apparently, it increases the problems exponentially...

Here's the summation and link:

"Summing up: Rigorous and replicable studies (in different animal species) have shown evidence of EtHg, and of Al toxicities. More research attention has been given to EtHg and findings have showed a solid link with neurotoxic effects in humans; however, the potential synergic effect of both toxic agents has not been properly studied. Therefore, early life exposure to both EtHg and Al deserves due consideration."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4344667/

BONUS: Can we talk for a moment about aborted fetal cells in vaccines?! If you are anti abortion, why is it okay to inject your baby with another baby? Is that the cause for sudden outburst of autoimmune disorders?

ARE YOU MAD yet? You should be... Why would people roll the dice with YOUR children?! Follow the MONEY...

Do you know that your pediatrician gets money from insurance companies for vaccinating their patients? 

That means, if YOUR child is immuno-compomised and shouldn't get vaccinated...but they are that hinge patient between 62-63%... the doctor has 40,000 conflicts of interest. 

So... Let's break it down. Here is what we know:

1. Not every kid should be vaccinated.

2. Not every kid should follow the same schedule.

 3. There are very real side effects that come with vaccines that your doctor will/ has...at best ...glossed over. Why is that? Out of the 6500ish pages your doctor reads in medical school, about 20 are on vaccines...and most of that is how to administer them on schedule and argue with parents who don't comply. Unless they went and researched on their own time, your doctor knows very little about vaccines. 

4. Vaccines  can and DO cause autism.... and an array of other issues. From eczema to diabetes to autoimmune disorders...the VICP (vaccine injury compensation program) pays out millions in tax dollars every year to families who have been damaged by vaccines. Why doesn't the pharmaceutical company have to pay for it? Watch this cool video by Rob Schneider: 

https://youtu.be/ueKVez4W54g

5. The science isn't settled. The doctors who stand up against mandatory vaccines face everything from criticism to the loss of their medical license. They gain very little. They have no logical reason other than the protection of children to fight this battle.

6. Right now, the CDC has openly been accused of FRAUD concerning vaccine safety studies... They have a whistleblower with 10,000 hard documents PROVING scientific fraud! However, big pharmaceutical companies' payouts run deep...They own so many congressmen (and women), they can't get Congress to subpoena him. His information is what the controversial documentary Vaxxed: From Coverup to Catastrophe is all about. I urge you to see it. 

Since then, a GROUP of scientists have come forward with this letter: 

Carmen S. Villar, MSW Chief of Staff Office of the Director MS D­14 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) 1600 Clifton Road Atlanta, Georgia 30329­4027

August 29, 2016

Dear Ms. Villar:

We are a group of scientists at CDC that are very concerned about the current state of ethics at our agency.  It appears that our mission is being influenced and shaped by outside parties and rogue interests. It seems that our mission and Congressional intent for our agency is being circumvented by some of our leaders. What concerns us most, is that it is becoming the norm and not the rare exception. Some senior management officials at CDC are clearly aware and even condone these behaviors. Others see it and turn the other way. Some staff are intimidated and pressed to do things they know are not right. We have representatives from across the agency that witness this unacceptable behavior. It occurs at all levels and in all of our respective units.  These questionable and unethical practices threaten to undermine our credibility and reputation as a trusted leader in public health. We would like to see high ethical standards and thoughtful, responsible management restored at CDC. We are asking that you do your part to help clean up this house! It is puzzling to read about transgressions in national media outlets like USA Today, The Huffington Post and The Hill. It is equally puzzling that nothing has changed here at CDC as a result.  It’s business as usual. The litany of issues detailed over the summer are of particular concern: Recently, the National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion (NCCDPHP) has been implicated in a “cover up” of inaccurate screening data for the Wise Woman (WW)  Program. There was a coordinated effort by that Center to “bury” the fact that screening numbers for the WW program were misrepresented in documents sent to Congress; screening numbers for 2014 and 2015 did not meet expectations despite a multi­million dollar investment; and definitions were changed and data “cooked” to make the results look better than they were.  Data were clearly manipulated in irregular ways. An “internal review” that involved staff across CDC occurred and its findings were essentially suppressed so media and/or Congressional staff would not become aware of the problems. Now that both the media and Congresswoman DeLauro are aware of these issues, CDC staff have gone out of their way to delay FOIAs and obstruct any inquiry. Shouldn’t NCCDPHP come clean and stop playing games?  Would the ethical thing be to answer the questions fully and honestly. The public should know the true results of what they paid for, shouldn’t they? 1 Another troubling issue at the NCCDPHP are the adventures of Drs. Barbara Bowman and Michael Pratt (also detailed in national media outlets). Both seemed to have irregular (if not questionable) relationships with Coca­Cola and ILSI representatives. Neither of these relationships were necessary (or appropriate) to uphold our mission. Neither organization added any value to the good work and science already underway at CDC. In fact, these ties have now called into question and undermined CDC’s work. A cloud has been cast over the ethical and excellent work of scientists due to this wanton behavior. Was cultivating these relationships worth dragging CDC through the mud? Did Drs. Bowman and Pratt have permission to pursue these relationships from their supervisor Dr. Ursula Bauer? Did they seek and receive approval of these outside activities? CDC has a process by which such things should be vetted and reported in an ethics review, tracking and approval system (EPATS). Furthermore, did they disclose these conflicts of interest on their yearly OGE 450 filing. Is there an approved HHS 520, HHS 521 or “Request for Official Duty Activities Involving an Outside Organization” approved by Dr. Bauer or her Deputy Director Ms. Dana Shelton? An August 28, 2016 item in The Hill details these issues and others related to Dr. Pratt. It appears to us that something very strange is going on with Dr. Pratt. He is an active duty Commissioned Corps Officer in the USPHS, yet he was “assigned to” Emory University for a quite some time.  How and under what authority was this done? Did Emory University pay his salary under the terms of an IPA? Did he seek and receive an outside activity approval through EPATS and work at Emory on Annual Leave? Formal supervisor endorsement and approval (from Dr. Bauer or Ms. Shelton) is required whether done as an official duty or outside activity. If deemed official, did he file a “Request for Official Duty Activities Involving an Outside Organization” in EPATS?  Apparently Dr. Pratt’s position at Emory University has ended and he has accepted another position at the University of California ­ San Diego? Again, how is this possible while he is still an active duty USPHS Officer. Did he retire and leave government service? Is UCSD paying for his time via an IPA? Does he have an outside activity approval to do this?  Will this be done during duty hours? It is rumored that Dr. Pratt will occupy this position while on Annual Leave? Really? Will Dr. Pratt be spending time in Atlanta when not on Annual Leave?  Will he make an appearance at NCCDPHP (where he hasn’t been seen for months).  Most staff do not enjoy such unique positions supported and approved by a Center Director (Dr. Bauer). Dr. Pratt has scored a sweet deal (not available to most other scientists at CDC).  Concerns about these two positions and others were recently described in The Huffington Post and The Hill. His behavior and that of management surrounding this is very troubling. Finally, most of the scientists at CDC operate with the utmost integrity and ethics. However, this “climate of disregard” puts many of us in difficult positions. We are often directed to do things we know are not right.  For example, Congress has made it very clear that domestic funding for NCCDPHP (and other CIOs) should be used for domestic work and that the bulk of NCCDPHP funding should be allocated to program (not research). If this is the case, why then is NCCDPHP taking domestic staff resources away from domestic priorities to work on global health issues?  Why in FY17 is NCCDPHP diverting money away from program priorities that 2 directly benefit the public to support an expensive research FOA that may not yield anything that benefits the public?  These actions do not serve the public well. Why is nothing being done to address these problems?  Why has the CDC OD turned a blind eye to these things. The lack of respect for science and scientists that support CDC’s legacy is astonishing. Please do the right thing. Please be an agent of change.

Respectfully,

CDC Spider (CDC Scientists Preserving Integrity, Diligence and Ethics in Research)

Cc: CDC Ethics Office

This is quickly coming to a crossroads. Where do you want to be? Would you rather put YOUR kids at risk, or are you willing to fight for their rights both now and in the future. They are being used as guinea pigs in an Earth sized laboratory. It's time to stand up. As Del Bigtree, producer of VaxXed would say," It's time to BE BRAVE."

Want to know how to get involved?! Contact me!

A Day in the Life of a Homeschool Mom

This is a journal entry of a typical day in the life of a homeschool mom...if we had time to keep a journal...which we don't... so this isn't an actual entry...but very typical.... enjoy!

7:00 am: Good morning, me! Coffee is brewing... The cat has food and water...husband is in the shower getting ready for work... I'm not sure what time I stumbled into bed... I fell asleep on the sofa again..Woke up sometime before dawn. I crawled into bed... then crawled back out because I forgot to pee... fell asleep onthe toilet... Woke up and went back to bed...but I'm good now. It will be a great day...as soon as the coffee is ready...

7:30 am: Just sat down with my coffee because I made sure my husband had a good send off and remembered his lunch... The coffee is delicious. The day is falling into place.  I love my life...

7:35 am: I wonder what is happening in the outside world... I'll check Facebook! 

7:36 am: Did I just hear the toilet flush?! Are they awake already? I've barely had time for coffee...Good morning, children.

7:38 am: I had to forego coffee and facebook to fix eggs...I wanted them to eat cereal, but they didn't tell me they finished the milk... I guess we'll have to run to the grocery store this afternoon... 

8:00 am: The kids finished breakfast, but didn't put their dishes away. They sneaked out of the room to avoid starting school again. I had to call them back. 

8:05 am: After another round of "but that's not my plate", we have finally begun school. They seem enthusiastic. 

8:15 am: They seem less enthusiastic... Maybe I should unschool and let them be in control of what they learn... 

8:20 am: I forgot about my coffee... it's cold... Dang it...

8:30 am: My oldest is crying about math being hard. The other won't leave the cat alone. I could NEVER unschool... Someone would die...

8:45 am: My son finally figured out fractions... He feels very accomplished. I must be doing something right. 

9:00 am: My daughter hasn't completed one single sentence in writing.... It's copywork...This doesn't even require neurons... I'm thinking of quitting. 

9:30 am: I feel somewhat cheapened as a person. I ended up bribing my daughter with a treat from the store if she would complete her copywork without complaint.... I'm the homework pimp.... Why do I put my self through this?!

10:00 am: Just saw a school bomb threat on the news... THAT is why I put myself through this...

10:15 am: The kids are hungry again...Why am I tired? Oh, right...the coffee... 

10:30 am: Got the kids some apple slices and peanut butter. While I was fixing it, they got away again... at least they finished the core subjects...I guess they can have a break...

11:00 am: The kids had some down time...I got to have coffee! We will come back with renewed vigor and conquer our school work!

11:15 am: I don't know where your gluestick is! It isn't my responsibility to keep up with your supplies... How can you remember 100 different pokemon and all their evolutions, but you can't remember what century the Civil War was in?! 

12 noon: I can't believe my children can explain the electoral college better than my high school civics teacher... I love homeschooling!

12:30 pm: After lunch, we will go get milk from the store...and maybe a treat for finishing school.... 

1:00 pm: No, You can't have candy.... 

1:30 pm: I can't believe I bought them candy... They can't remember multiplication tables, but they never forget a bribe....

2:00 pm: If these children don't stop bouncing off the walls.... I just want out of the store... I forgot to thaw something for dinner...so I bought chicken...Why did I come here? oh... Milk...

2:30 pm: Got the groceries home and put away... They are driving me nuts... I know, I'll take them to the park...

3:00 pm: I don't understand why they lock park bathrooms when it isn't summer... Where's the nearest gas station?

3:15 pm: You couldn't have told me you were thirsty when we were at the gas station?!

4:30 pm: Finally home... The kids tried to get on the computer, but they know the 5pm rule... so they are adventuring into an art project while I cook dinner...

4:45 pm: We do not use glitter on the cat! Why would you do that?! Daddy will be home soon...Everyone help me pick up, please... and get the duct tape off the carpet. 

5:00 pm: Do you smell something burning?!

5:10 pm: It was dinner... It's okay now... FYI: A watched pot never boils, but a pot left alone burns...

5:30 pm: Dinner is done moments before my husband walks in the door... The kids have settled in front of the computer and are building a minecraft version of Carcassonne. He tells me hi, but his eyes point to the possibility that I might need a shower....Oh, no! When was the last time I showered?!

7:00 pm: We are all snuggled up on the sofa watching the Avengers. This is what it's all about. Wait.... Was Girl Scouts tonight?!... okay, no... We're good...

10:00 pm: The kids finally fell asleep...My husband just headed for bed... I'm finally able to do my own thing....

3:00 am: (on the sofa, freezing my ladyparts off) Where am i?

Can't We All Just Get Along?! An open letter to Democrats...

Dear Democrats, Socialists, and Liberals,

I know that many of you are upset. Some are scared. Some are hurt. Some are outraged. Here's the thing, though...
The election is over. The USA is preparing to inaugurate one Donald J. Trump as the Commander and Chief of the free world....and it seems like you guys can't handle it.

 Life lesson moment: It honestly doesn't matter what you FEEL about the situation.

 For many of you, this is your very first time to participate in the electoral process, and I'm here to tell you,  it can sometimes sting. Many are screaming about how unfair the process of electoral college is, since apparantly Clinton won the popular vote.

There are real, valid reasons...Here is a link to a short video explaining why we do it this way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6s7jB6-GoU#action=share

 I know that , for me, it wasn't easy watching Barack Obama get into office the first time...It was awful to see him re-elected after knowing what type of president he would make.

HOWEVER, despite my disagreements with his choices, he was the President of the United States, and that office deserves a certain level of respect and honor. In that same way, I ask that you now respect the democratic process and apply that same level of respect to our new leader.

You don't have to agree with him! You don't have to agree with me, but you DO have to accept the fact that, as Americans, we are in this ship together...and if you set fires, ruin friendships, and cause chaos because you didn't get your way, you will sink it.

 We might as well try to get along. Please use some of that tolerance you speak of so frequently to be tolerant of those with a different opinion. Many of you have said some horrid things to people who voted for Trump.

 No one is perfect. The two front running candidates in this election both have more skeletons in their closet than the Manson estate. Do NOT pretend that your candidate was somehow more noble. It simply isn't true.

Remember, anyone can accuse people of anything, but we must rely on FACTS to discern truth.
With that being said, you weren't given a fair look at the candidates. The media was very slanted for your girl. They sheltered you from the negative surrounding Clinton and blasted you inflated slander of Trump.

 Here is a clip of that locker room video where Trump talked of groping a lady. What I actually found MORE offensive, was the idea that he hit on a married woman, but we know from Clinton that a move like that (Especially YEARS prior) doesn't necessarily disqualify you from presidency....AND He did apologize! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWD-IQnqrXc

Clearly, if you are honest, this is not a man actually contemplating grabbing her...This is called a hyperbole. It is a poetry term used to express an extreme for emphasis.

Here is another example of a hyperbole: Hillary Clinton can get away with anything! She could walk up and shoot someone in the face and not go to jail!
Now...Am I actually suggesting that Clinton would walk up and shoot someone?! NO...It's a hyperbole. Plus....and I CAN'T emphasize this enough....He APOLOGIZED! I'm not trying to convince you to like him, but stop lying about him....So if you truly are tolerant people, then forgive.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA597Kn5iPk

As we move forward, we need to look toward a positive future.

For those of us who are elated with the shift in Washington's elite, but also to those who are not happy with the result...Trust in the process. The checks and balances system is in place to keep the president (or congress or the courts) from having too much power. Trump can't just start dictating orders because he is president.

 In closing, these things happen.

 Before you continue to burn down the establishment, I ask that you wait and see what his presidency brings. I truly don't think it will be as bad as you fear.

 With the creation of more jobs, cheaper private insurance, and lower taxes, you might even like it!

Self Cleaning Dutch Ovens and how Ben Franklin Wants to Save the World

Benjamin Franklin is known as one of the founding fathers of this nation. He also had a knack for writing. One of his lesser known works is "A Letter to the Royal Academy" in which he skewers the scientific community for spending their time on theory rather than seeking advancement for the common man. His proposal for how research could better serve humanity is both twisted and hilarious. He suggests that flatulence is a natural process that affects everyone, and yet we hide it. Why is it a shame to fart when everyone does it? Clearly, we need to fix the smell. Ben Franklin told the entire scientific community to drop what they were doing and fix smelly gas so we can "fart proudly." Of course, he never sent the letter to them. He sent it instead to a friend who had a good laugh at the expense of the scientists, but there was some truth to his scent-iments. Therefore, I will be the first to stand up and declare it:

My husband Michael is an enigma to me.

In the 18 years we've been together, I've heard him fart exactly twice...one of which was during sleep. His bowels evacuate (or not) on command. If colons competed in the Olympics, I'm fairly certain he'd be the Russian male gymnast competing in bathroom. He is the fuhrer of flatulence, the Stalin of stool. Somewhere long ago, I think he threatened his innards with death for falling out of line because his gastrointestinal control does not fail. Ever.

 Then he married me.

Some might blame lactose intolerance...Milk does it, but is there lactose in broccoli, beans, cabbage, sunlight, water, or air? They do it, too.  You could say I'm a naturally gassy person...I tend to fart in my sleep. I tend to fart when I'm awake. I have literally farted myself from asleep to awake.The gas transcends.

Some people may whisper in their panties, but my pants only muffle the anal screams. I seem to have the same light touch as a German jazz band. ... If you smell it, you'll know why my rear is screaming. Somewhere between the watering of the eyes and the raping of the nasal passages, you realize the effectiveness of chemical warfare...and will question whether my intestines are a part of a government conspiracy. You'll be happy to know, thanks to rolling in my sleep, that I have been in close proximity to the gas...(I like to call it a self cleaning dutch oven) ...and rest assured you will not die...though you may want to.

It's not cute. It's not feminine, but it is hereditary. Not once in all of time did anyone believe that my mother actually stepped on a bull frog. Just saying. At no point do frogs, barking spiders, or ducks make a sound that resembles the air evacuating a stretched balloon.

My husband ...God bless him...Never complains.

 He did scream,"Ugh...I can taste it!" once, but can we blame him? We had eaten chili, so....

It's difficult because my children take after me also. My darling daughter who wants to be a princess and is supremely feminine, has gas so leaded that it has run the dog out of the room. It makes it worse because they think it's funny.

 ...Needless to say, I no longer allow them to wake each other up in the mornings due to a tragic sharting incident. (I'll let you use your imagination)






No family dinner would be complete at our house without one of them "accidentally" passing wind and then erupting in giggles. Add to that dynamic my husband's family who fart and utter a polite "excuse me" and move on. My children want none of that.  Be advised: They do think it's funny, and they will call you out..via satellite, if it's available.

I'm certainly not fond of my unflattering flatulence (say THAT three times fast!) and it has led to some fun stories.

Mike's favorite was the time I was cleaning out the refrigerator. I was bent over looking for dead leftovers and Mike decided to sneak up behind me and that is when it happened.

Despite trying to hold it in, a tiny squeak of a fart trumpeted out of my sphincter and Mike started laughing. Startled and embarrassed both at having farted and at basically crop dusting my husband, I crouched into a frog position. This was a mistake. I wasn't finished farting. 







With every embarrassed giggle, I farted a little more...(Think: a go cart revving it's engine) and it went on for what must have been 2 full minutes, but with Mike openly laughing at me, it felt like it should be set to the tune of Chariots of Fire. 
By the end, I was sitting in the kitchen floor unable to breathe 

(either from laughing or because all the air had escaped through the other end)...which I guess was a blessing because there was a giant wall of fart in my face...




My favorite story (Sorry, Mom) was the time my mother reenacted a Kmart commercial. In her defense, we were travelling, and I think bad food was involved.  There we were....in the clearance isle of Kmart... across the store from the restrooms...and my mother stops dead in her tracks.
Sometimes....when you fart a lot...you make mistakes.

"I shipped my pants!" she whisper screamed to me. She didn't say "shipped." A look of horror fell across her face. Then I smelled it.
 Without any doubt, she did in fact ship her pants...in Kmart...It was not as convenient as the commercial implies.

She next had to accomplish the task of getting all the way across the store in tact. Thus began the two mile an hour clenched butt waddle with me right behind her trying to "be cool" and avoid gagging while deflecting people from noticing mom's pants.... once we made it to the restroom, the day got better. Mom got a new outfit...and got to wear it immediately.

If anyone else shares in this malodorous malady, there is good news.

I recently read an article about farts restoring mitochondria in the brain.
 http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2687696/Could-smelling-farts-GOOD-Potent-gas-flatulence-help-prevent-cancer-strokes-heart-attacks-claims-scientists.html

It also might mean you are healthy.
http://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2014/04/28/306544406/got-gas-it-could-mean-you-ve-got-healthy-gut-microbes

So the next time you #driveby those you love, remember that you might be helping them...and tell them your welcome.

“Fart for freedom, fart for liberty—and fart proudly.” --Benjamin Franklin