Cut the Crap: My Son's Room...The squeaking must end....

I am not what you would call a "clean freak"...I am, perhaps, a bit of a slob... NOT a dirty person, but I am a clutter collector and woman of many interests....One husband +one MIL+ two kids + myself + 1200 square ft =The SCARIEST place on Earth...

  I do well (between homeschooling 2 grades, cooking meals, buying groceries, etc.) to keep clean dishes in the cabinet and the kitchen floor from becoming a petri dish. I believe that housework is insanity because Einstein defined insanity as,"..doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result."

I don't like it...I might even hate it... If I ever killed anyone, it would probably be t-minus 10 minutes from someone's expected arrival time, and, despite the frantic bumble-buzzing of the living room, I hear a knock at the door....That JW will never know what hit him....lol! If housework creates crazy, Honey, I have arrived...

Needless to say, my house is usually in less than ideal conditions...particularly the kids' rooms, which cleaning consists of closing the door and averting my eyes....

Fast forward to my current conundrum: with the onset of cooler weather, we have a new stowaway: A small furry demon that ate my new bag of organic blue corn chips! A mouse!

Now...some people are trap people...They have a little catch and release program happening... Not me! You stepped into the wrong casa mi amigo. I use poison....A slow painful death?! Good... The one downside to poison is that.... somewhere....you end up with a dead mouse.

So I have to thoroughly clean my house now. That brings us to yesterday, when I began the daunting trip into Hell...aka...my son's room.

I'm not going to lie.... Once I began pulling the horde out of his room, I realized that...all things considered...he kept it pretty clean...At the 3 hour mark, while STILL removing items from the room, I took a step back and realized he was a magician....A veritable Mary Poppins with her bottomless carpet bag of tricks... How did it all fit?!  I wish I was exaggerating....

Two things began to simultaneously occur:
1. I have done him a great injustice by teaching him how to cram things, rather than only keeping what fits in the space, and...
2. This must change...now!

13 hours of sorting and tossing and purging and organizing... 13!

Admittedly, I read this in a different blog, but it is a great idea (that actually works!), so I'm going to share... Make a toy pile, and rather than focusing on what goes, let your kid "shop" his toys and decide what stays! Also, the language YOU use when discussing toys sways their decisions... You REALLY want to get RID of THAT?! ....and, instantly, the child feels guilty for wanting it gone.... This. Was. All. My Fault. He cut it by more than half... and it is much better.... He worked so hard that I turned his closet into the TARDIS....He even has a tiny desk now....

There is good news.... We didn't find any dead mice in his room....even THEY were smart enough not to go in there....
Peace.

Shut up, Barbie! You Are Ruining It For Everyone!

FemiNazis. I just. Can't. Even. When it was our right to vote? Sure! Equal pay? ..Okay...I'm with you....You don't need to be thin to be beautiful...Right on, sister....Burn our bras?...Wait..what?.. ...Umm...I need mine. God blessed me with boobs...It's basically a bra to run or black eyes..... Today, some women are simply trolling for a fight, and, Ladies, it might NOT be to your advantage. Let's look at some of the less than noble pursuits of the modern feminist.

1. Boys are meant to be seen, not heard...
So...There was this article the other day that showed this video of a beautiful woman walking down the streets of New York for, like, 10 hours... Secretly, she was filming males that approached her, made passes at her, or "catcalled" her. People said that what happened to her was degrading to women, rude, intrusive, etc. Here's the video:

 http://youtu.be/b1XGPvbWn0A

How?!
There was maybe one or two creepy guys in the entire video, and it is my belief that they wouldn't have followed her if she would have answered him....Maybe he thought she was deaf?! I am not a submissive female. I am loud and opinionated. The femiNazis are wrong here. It should not be considered offensive to let a woman know she is attractive! It should not be offensive to let guys know they are attractive. Generally, that is what is called a C O M P L I M E N T! Attractive women and lesbians find it annoying. It's true...because attractive women hear it a lot and it gets old (unless he's "hot"), and lesbians just aren't interested. To be clear, I have no issues with lesbians...To be honest, they make more advances toward me than men. I am flattered, not offended. It is nice to be considered attractive by either gender....Not everyone is eloquent, though...

My point is this. STOP SCARING MEN OUT OF COMPLIMENTING WOMEN! If he slaps your backside, throat-punch the dill-hole. That was a rude thing to do, but, if he is telling her she is attractive, even by whistling, we should turn around and thank him for lifting female self esteem. For all the singles, the feminist movement is scaring off the big game. Most of us like to be flirted with...and, if he DOES step out of line, I can handle it...because I'm a female.

2. Hello, kitty!
I don't understand the obsession with announcing the female genitalia like it is a pride flag. I have v and you have a p.....I don't think anyone was confused about it after the age of 5. Still, it is thrust upon society and celebrated...not for what it can do (I'm thinking the miracle of birth here)...but as  weapon to wield like a gladiator...Transversely, men are practically punished for having testicles. "You have no baby rights, it's my body." You can side with the feminists on that until your son's girlfriend decides she wants to abort your grandkid, simply so she can fit into her size 6 jeans..... Have you heard of  "The Vagina Monologues"? It is a play...I know very little about it (I haven't seen it), so I cannot attest to whether or not this is actually a decent play. It stars all women, all discussing their junk. Why is it necessary to advertise?

Madonna came out several years ago with a book about hers....she tells everyone to take a mirror and look at theirs.....Really? To me, they look like the giant creature at the end of Starship Troopers.... It's all very unnecessary and ...sort of gross....

3. You can be anything!... As long as your husband does all the housework.
The CEO of planned parenthood once said,"stay-at-home mothers “reinforc[e] stereotypes that we’ve been working for decades to shatter.”  If you have any desire to be a SAHM, these ladies don't like you.


There are plenty of noble fights for women out there, breastfeeding in public being one they have mostly missed.

Let's find a way to channel our feminism without making a mockery of the fight for equality. Remember that equality does not mean exactly the same. With that, these ladies often forge a double standard. For example, We want to be treated the same on a jobsite...let's say...construction...UNTIL we cannot lift the same amount of weight as a man. Then we expect the boys to make allowances.We weren't built to do it. (I'm sure a percentage can; I, myself, am fairly stocky). We are women. We can do amazing things with our bodies that boys cannot. We are generally more flexible. We have breasts that make milk and we can carry a child, but we are not the same, and that IS okay.

So, femiNazis, calm down, please.... Sometimes, the bees are threatening to sting because someone kicked the hive.I'm a woman. I don't need YOU to fight my battles.

Ooh! People Are Seeing Red!

With the election results from the midterms yesterday, the Democratic party is crying into their Wheaties bowl.

(Mostly I just love looking at this gif...sigh)

I think that it is less that people love Republican conservatism, and more because everyone is tired of the direction the current leadership has taken us. To say the least, this will be a very interesting two years in politics. Remember the ancient Chinese curse," May you live in interesting times." I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat. I am, however, fairly pleased with the turning of the country's face toward a more conservative agenda.... and here is why:

1. Guns are back in fashion. After 6 years of gun control lobbying, no gun laws will make it through congress with a republican majority

.
Why is this a good thing??? When they asked Japan after WWII why they didn't attack mainland America, they referenced the fact that every household had a gun...and that was just too many soldiers......Let's keep other countries afraid of us!( at least keep them with a healthy respect) I'm for this plan! Leave it to the GOP to wave the NRA's flag directly below the nation's.

2. Support for the military. We have witnessed one of (or maybe THE) largest downsizing of American military in the history of this country....We keep pissing off other countries, so perhaps this downsizing thing is a bad idea. Republicans are known for backing our troops both financially and morally. This makes me happy.

3. The end of "making it rain" may be upon us. While I appreciate the current administration taking my tax dollars and confetti cannoning it out like it's an Oprah special...wait...no. I don't like that... Republicans generally don't either....so yeah...

4. Abortion is murder.

You don't have to agree with me. Don't start a fanfare of feminist ferality in the comments.

I believe that life starts at conception. Planned parenthood was started by a former kkk lady to downsize the African American population. We protect "fetus's rights" if it is an endangered animal.... We should protect children's rights from the moment they exist. Geography (in or out of a uterus) shouldn't be a factor.

"They can't live without the host or a machine" they said? Then I'll go unplug your grandma's dialysis.... According to you, she no longer has the right to live.... "But what about rape victims?" Many great people were born out of adversity.... If the mom can't handle it, There are thousands of couples (both gay and straight) desperate to adopt. "I can't handle it!" Toughen up, buttercup! Life's hard.

(Let me just climb down off this box now...I'm getting a nosebleed from this height.)


5. I'm tired of religion being a 4 letter word. Does anyone else notice that no one seems "anti-religion" as much as they seem "anti-Christianity"? The same people who verbally bash anyone who claims to be a Christian will fight tooth and nail to defend "the religion of peace..."

I'm not insulting Muslim people. I've known some very nice Muslims. I'm pointing out the hypocrisy of the people who slam religion. The same scientists and philosophers that Atheists use to "prove" that there is no God, negate each other's beliefs into supporting the evidence of His existence. I'm not going to detail this here. Still....If you are interested, the movie "God's Not Dead" (while somewhat rife with inaccuracy as to what the Bible says) does a wonderful job of examining the controversy of scientists like Dawkins and Hawking. Though I realize that many a narrow minded people come out of the "Christian" population, the same can be said of every religion (or non-religion). Republicans tend to support Christianity, and I think it's time we cut Christians a break.

6. The unaffordable, forced insurance thing. Government insurance works so well in other countries....like in Britain...where you, too, can wait 6 months to fix a cavity...

 The only way I can afford the Affordable Care Act is by dropping below the poverty line....AND....It killed my opportunity for private options because all the private insurance companies had to raise their prices to compensate for the extra crap they are now required to pay! Why do people vote for this stuff?!

Well....Let the Crapstorm commence....I'm done for today...Peace.

THAT IS MONOGAMY!

Marriage. You hear the horror stories. You know the drill. Either you've lived the nightmare, or someone close to you is going through it. Some say that marriage is like a deck of cards. At the beginning you have two hearts, but by the end, you need a club and a spade.

Is it really so bad?! Does it have to be?! I believe that I have narrowed down a few reasons why people feel that way. Also, as someone who managed to be blessed with a very happy home life, I will share with you the secrets to finding a mate that doesn't belong in your tool bag.

First, let's begin by addressing the misconceptions we have about how marriage is "supposed" to act. From the time we were tiny, we were exposed to the fairy tale...Mildly differing plots aside, they end with, "...and they all lived happily ever after." That's beautiful....It's also fiction. Problems don't erase with with a magic ring. (much to the dismay of all of the Lord of the Rings fans out there...of which I am one.)

You still have finances, and now, you have joint custody of someone else's problems, too.

( I'm getting to the part where I tell you it can be awesome and worth it...just wait.)

Pile on that the realization that kids will severely limit your one-on-one time. (unless you are one of those people who let everyone else raise your kids, but that is a different soapbox...a bigger one.) 

Marriage ...as I see it...is two people who have made the decision to trudge through this life as a team. It shouldn't be based on bumping uglies ...Although, sex without a side of STD is a nice perk.

..or money or popularity or looks...All of those things can change in an instant.

When I came across this on Pinterest, I was floored! Who the hell is this lady to think that her farts don't stink?! She is thin, so she is about 10 years from looking like a Georgio Armani wrinkle. This marriage was built on metaphorical quicksand.

Here is a true test: If your spouse were to get into a car accident and be mauled and paralyzed, would you be  willing to stay with them for the rest of your lives....no sex...If the answer is no, you don't need to get married!

Here's is the secret to figuring out the best mate with which to live out your days ...Ready?!

Find someone who is awesome...like...best friend material. 

Date long enough to figure out what annoys you about that person. Be honest, because those are the traits that will be grinding your nerves forever...

Ask yourself the above question. ( the paralyzed one) If the answer is yes, ask them if they feel the same way. If they answer yes, you win!

***Side note: While I believe in divine intervention when it comes to marriage, I don't necessarily believe that you only have ONE soul mate out there. Marriage is about 10% love and 90% commitment. Some ask, "Then why do it?" I'll tell you. My husband is my best friend. He is the coolest, sweetest guy I know. He is a great father to our children, and, someday, when I'm old and broken, (or he's old and broken), we will take care of each other. This world can be cold and cruel. It is a little less so when I can share it with him. Marriage is the promise that we will do that for each other. It's really that simple. 

Peace.

Back on the Horse?! Just say neigh....or ...Happiness without a Prescription....

I took a sabbatical from the blog because my life has been CHAOS!!!  (Not that chaos is new, necessarily) However, I did miss jotting down my daily rants and raves. I am happy to report that several people sang me the sweet sound of the Jackson 5...." I want you back.." I'm happy to oblige.

I love my life...It isn't perfect. I'm not overly popular. I'm not wealthy or supermodel thin (or plus sized model thin, actually).

 I am constantly poked and prodded by my two children.

 I have a husband who works and is also a full time college student (so let's just say I see him...very little)

I'm not living in a drug induced hazy hallucination of happiness (zoloft doesn't live here...)

Alliterations aside,  I am just happy because I choose to be, and you can be, too. Here are the steps to get you there:

1. That Pharrell dude must be trippin'. There are so many feels to feel, why isn't it okay to feel ANYTHING but HAPPY?! We are the most unhappy society, despite having the most convenience. We search for "lidocaine" pharmaceuticals to numb our feelings...and yet... We gravitate toward books and movies that make us cry, play video games and watch movies so violent that we must rate them "not for children", and troll social media looking for fights!....There is a reason. Deep down, we need to experience an entire spectrum of emotion. Just because you get upset or angry doesn't mean that you aren't happy. Recognize that there are terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days....even for the extremely happy people of this world. The difference is those people who possess the keys to happiness, they leave their behind in the past....I mean...their past behind them....and each day is a new one.

2. Be a duck. This funny expression is one my husband uses on a regular basis. Ducks have a special oil on their feathers to keep them dry, even while swimming. When they get out, the water beads up and rolls off. This is a great analogy. In this society of increasing sensitivity, we need to "grow a tough skin". No one can offend you unless you allow yourself to become offended. No one can control your emotions except you. Certainly, it is easier to blame others, but not better.
I can already hear the comments...." I can't control how I feel!" Bollocks! No one else can control how you feel... You must accept responsibility for you and your happiness...like...yesterday....

3. What would Elle Wood do?! The boisterous legalese blonde knew what she was talking about when she said:

Sometimes, the best thing you can do when life gets you down is force yourself back up again... The good news...if you do this...is that the more miserable you are, the better you'll look in your clothes! 

4. Fake it until you make it. studies have proven that fake laughing or smiling will become real... It is contagious! So slap on your optimist hat and smile at the douchepill in the office... Your day will be better because of it....

5. Who are you trying to please? Something I constantly struggle with is society's view of stay at home moms. I must just be lazy because I don't work. I know in my head that this is not true. I work harder than I ever did at a job...and I got a lunch break... Still, occasionally I find myself caring what the world thinks of me, and how people on the outside view my life. I cannot do that. You should not do that, either. We cannot please everyone. We are doing well to please ourselves, our spouse, and God. Everyone else can piss off. It's my new philosophy...What do you think?! I'm considering making it a t-shirt...

So that's it....I hope someone out there is happy that I'm sending this to the void. I hope you can find happiness in the everyday bumpy roads, because if you are waiting on something more...it doesn't exist. Life isn't going to someday 100% iron out to be awesome...You'll never have enough stuff, money, friends...you'll never be fit enough, young enough, old enough.... It will never be the right time to have kids or get married...Waiting for those things will leave you staring at your life from the caboose as the train leaves the station...you'll miss your chance at happy. Live now, and take control of your happiness.... Maya Angelou said it best:

Peace...

G M Oh my gracious, I am overwhelmed....

Shopping used to be fun....I have talked about this before... but now I need a therapist and half a day set aside for reading labels.... There is so much crap in our food that you have an impossible time trying to find things TO eat...and then there is affording it. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY!!! I will make you a list of how I shop: What I avoid, why, what is it in, and what alternative is available.... Check it out.

1. High fructose corn syrup or HFCS. 
While some scientists like to tell you that it's "just corn syrup", more scientists are saying that this extra fructose doesn't process in our bodies well. It's making us fat (and causing diabetes and such)... I don't know about you, but I don't need it's help. It's also almost exclusively GMO...(we'll talk about that in a minute)

Where is it hiding?
 In soft drinks, in candy, and hiding so randomly in products you wouldn't imagine...like bread.

Alternatives:
 There are natural sugar sodas available. (I like Blue Sky brand soda! They have a Dr. Pepper knock off that is akin to Mr. Pibb...yum) Candy is tricky...I buy Yummy Earth suckers and gummy worms, I buy True North for chocolate nutty things, and there is a brand at Target called Unreal....For bread, the best alternative is to buy organic or make your own. I am both too poor and too lazy to do this.... (honesty) I buy the lesser of evils...Mrs. Baird's or Nature's Own has no HFCS right on the label.

2. Partially Hydrogenated Oil aka Trans Fat.
It's always GMO oils, too... Partially hydrogenated means that it has been put through a process that causes hydrogen to attach itself to the molecules...It makes the oil solid at room temperature and is a cheap butter substitute. So they basically alter the makeup of this oil...that has been proven to clog arteries...(It is banned in many countries) to save a few dollars...

Where is it hiding?
In almost everything...From oreos to chips to mayo... it's there...read the labels...

Alternatives.
Look for organic mayo..(or at least one labeled non-GMO) I use Hain's. It tastes like Hellmans... Oreos? Check out Newman-O's. Chips? Look for Kettle brand chips or Barbara's makes cheetos... My kids are very excited about this discovery.

3. Artificial colors.
Some of these are downright toxic...From lowering sperm count to being linked to ADD/ADHD in children, these you should avoid.

Where is it hiding?
Cereals (especially kids'), drinks,fruit snacks,  and Places you wouldn't think ..(like pickles)

Alternatives:
I buy Barbara's, Envirokids (by Nature's Path), and Cascadian Farms Cereal. ( Think peanut butter crunch, captain crunch, and cinnamon toast crunch....apparently...we like the crunch...lol) Fruit snacks? we just found some organic called Sharkies...They are picky kid approved. For pickles, I have only found the Vlasic Farmer's Garden Pickles....(they have carrots in them...the carrots are actually decent) that are reasnably priced...

4. GMOs or genetically Modified Organisms.
These are plants that were taken into a lab, its DNA altered by adding genes from a different organism, and then grown and fed to you. There are no long term studies done on GMOs and many scientists suggest that they cause cancer among a long list of other ailments. Corn, for example, Produces its own insecticide now. So when you eat GMO corn, you are eating that insecticide. Only a handful of tests have "proven" them safe, and those all have ties to the companies that make the GMOs... Can you say CONFLICT OF INTEREST?! I knew you could... The fact is, Many countries have banned some or all GMO products, Countries like China now refuse to buy our products that contain them, so they are selling them to you instead. Here is the majority of things that are GMO:

• Alfalfa (first planting 2011)
• Canola (approx. 90% of U.S. crop)
• Corn (approx. 88% of U.S. crop in 2011)
• Cotton (approx. 90% of U.S. crop in 2011)
• Papaya (most of Hawaiian crop; approximately 988 acres)
• Soy (approx. 94% of U.S. crop in 2011)
• Sugar Beets (approx. 95% of U.S. crop in 2010)
• Zucchini and Yellow Summer Squash (approx. 25,000 acres)

Coming soon to the table: Arctic apples, and Wheat (they just planted 1000 acres...)

Is This SCARY?! Yes.....yes it is... It's killing the bees and butterflies...now it's harming state birds... How will we tell our children about the birds and the bees if they no longer exist?! "Hey kids! Watch those dogs in the yard..." It will be bad...

Here is the short of it...If all else fails, look for these symbols...

Think about this for a minute....These foods may be more expensive, but you can either pay for the right food now or give that money to the doctor later.

The Domino effect...and How the pizza industry is trying to kill us...

When I was a child, my family played games regularly. We weren't a board game family like my husband's...Instead, we played mostly cards and dominoes. We actually had age limits where you grew into playing certain games... In my family, when you turned 16, you got your driver's license, your dating privileges, and the right to take your place at the 42 table. (For those that do not know, 42 is a domino game from the south...it's complicated...and we take it very seriously...like our tea)... 

No one plays these games anymore... I do not know of any people under 40 who actively play domino games...or card games, even...except poker (one of the least complex games I've ever played...It's playing psych out for grown ups...)

****flashback sequence****

Here in the great state of Arkansas, gambling is illegal....except we have casinos...and a dog track...and we are part of the triple crown of horse racing... But otherwise...it's a no go..The rich people get away with having casino nights anyway by hosting "charity" functions put together by companies which set up a travelling casino. Lifestyles of the rich and richer pay a huge sum of money ...which is exchanged for a set amount of chips... they play, and their winnings are used to "bid on prizes"...like trips to Hawaii  and new golf clubs...

As a 16 year old, I worked for one of these companies as a side job. It didn't take long before I was dealing Blackjack. I sometimes made 100 dollars in an evening in tips...Not bad money for a 16 year old..(It certainly beat my day job slinging fast food...) My friend and I (he was also 16) were once unquestioned when we visited the open bar at a function...We were obviously workers...and it was 21 and up at the door.  We were finished with our shift, and ordered a long string of margaritas.....okay...we knew they were dirty...but it was fun!... We had to have my parents drive us home.... There really isn't a point to the story except that.... thanks to my early exposure to cards and dominoes.... by the time I was 16, I could be the stick man at the craps table....and it was lucrative...

****end flashback****

 I feel like I learned so much from playing these games growing up...Like there were some cognitive processes that escape this generation because they were never taught to reason.... I believe there is a  pressing need to revive the classics and reverse the trend of brain numbness...

To this day, I can look at a game of dominoes and count the dots almost instantly. I can tell you which dominoes will make you points and how to get the most out of a hand. Thanks to the grandparents' influence, I know where to interject appropriate curse words for proper emphasis...I can whip anyone in a game of spades or gin....and I can show off when I shuffle the deck. 

Still, I believe it is more than that. I think I learned to process information linearly...I learned strategy... I learned how to be a good winner...and a good loser... 

So... Here is my proposal...We bring it all back. We play and teach our children to play a spectrum of card games and dominoes. Start with dominoes. It's counting...They can play with help by 5 years old. We can save the education system from common core math by teaching our children linear processing through games. We can do this... I call it the domino effect.... and it just might be the answer. Peace...

P.S. Do not confuse this with the Domino's effect...